I think it's a combination of many,many things that is making me super emo right now. I am crying as I write this because I want to scream at the top of my lungs FUCK IT ALL!!!!!!!!!! No matter what I do or how much I try to be a good person, it does not matter. Aside from my few really really good friends, I am the loneliest person I know. Maybe that is why I crave community the way I do. Maybe that is why I need my choirs and I need my church and why I need people by my side all the time. I think that during those times, I am able to pretend that I'm not really alone. During those times, I can fill the void with just enough human interaction and human touch to get me through until I have a moment like this.
It's plain and simple. I am almost 30 years old. I'm fat. I have terrible credit. I live in a shithole with my mother. And I'm alone. Most days I can pretend that my life is awesome. But then it all comes down to the fact that I feel like I should be farther than I am now. I feel like I should have more. I feel like I deserve more. I want someone to love me and I think that I deserve that for all the fucking love I've given and not had in return. I feel like I have tons of qualities men say they are looking for, but really they just want hot tits and ass and very little brains. I'm sick of being the token "nice, fat girl." What a great girl to be friends with, right?
And this is exactly why I turn to gay men for everything. They get me. They like what I like, they give a fuck or at least pretend. They will always be my "date" when I never have one for anything, and they're always there to talk and listen. They make me feel not so alone. They make me feel like I have a place in the world. They make me feel pretty and talented which is more than I can say for any straight man I've ever encountered.
I am working hard on the new me. I won't fail and I promise myself that won't happen. I am going through some health stuff right now and emotional stuff from having a major operation and I feel as though it doesn't matter. No one cares. And if tomorrow I just didn't wake up, who really would? I know that's drastic, but that is how I feel tonight. Sick of being the third wheel. Sick of not being part of the "in" crowd. Sick of being the last single girl I know.
You are NOT the last single girl you know! I am single, my friend Liza (I don't know if you remember her or not) she's single.
ReplyDeleteHoney, try to remember the things you told me when I said pretty much the exact same thing a week ago on my blog. "It will all happen in due time." When we are happy with ourselves, inside and out. When you look in the mirror and say, "Damn! You are one hot mama! Nice shoes! Wanna f&*k?" to yourself! Then that person WHO IS MEANT FOR YOU will show up out of nowhere & say "where have you been all my life? I've been waiting for you!" Chin up baby girl. He's coming. The timing is not right yet.
Thanks, Jen. I know you're right. I just had enough last night. I'm feeling very hormonal lately and I think I'm just going through so many changes and it's affecting my pshyche. Today is a new day and I feel much better. :)
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