When it rains, it pours

If you are reading this and you reside in the greater Cincinnati area, you will know that this is the PERFECT title for this blog posting.  I hate the rain, but I hate the snow WAY more.  So I can't bitch too much.  I know I've been a terrible blogger lately, but my plate has been chock full of bullshit, which is what I'll fill y'all in on now.

First of all, work.  There might be a light at the end of this horrific tunnel.  My branch has left much to be desired in the happiness department for probably the past year or more.  We recently got new management, but it really hasn't changed anything.  It could possibly be more annoying than ever before.  I do feel fortunate to have a good paying job with amazing benefits and plenty of time off, so I've been making myself stick it out no matter how much I want to jump ship.  My DM called me the other day about a possible promotion and opportunity at another branch.  It's a personal banker/small business specialist position at our Eastgate office.  This is a lot more responsibility, but I'm up for the challenge.  I think.  I've always been very interested in this particular office because it's so busy and I've always done well with the clientele on the east side of town.  I interview for it tomorrow, so hopefully will know more about if and when I'll be movin on up very soon.

My health has been plaguing me again.  And try as I might to be positive, I am so god damned frustrated with there always being an issue.  I feel like I keep chasing my tail.  If it's not one thing, it's another.  My neck has been terrible lately.  I have had horrible neck issues since about 2008 when an old car accident injury decided to rear it's ugly head and cause me nearly constant pain.  After two massages and a few adjustments, I can hold my head up without constant pain, but it's been rough.  That makes it hard to want to function at all.  I just thank the universe I have great insurance and have found an incredible chiropractor and massage therapist.  Right now I have the head cold from hell, but I think my constant Zicam popping is helping to clear it up pretty quickly.  And the biggest issue of them all, is what's going on down below...

I have literally had issues with my periods since I started getting them as a girl.  Back then, they were so terrible I had to be put on birth control at the age of 12 because they were so awful they caused me to be anemic.  I stayed on the pill a very long time because I was afraid to be off of it.  When I was about 20, I took a break from the pill to see what would happen.  This lead to a series of events that would leave me miserable and hopeless for almost ten years.  I quit having periods all together and saw a few different doctors before being diagnosed with PCOS.  I've battled with different medications and treatments to ease my symptoms for years to no avail.  I made the decision to have lapband surgery in hopes of finding some relief.  I know it will take some time to lose all of my weight and hopefully get that relief, but I'm not having such an easy time of it right now.  Long story short, I have been having constant bleeding for over a month now.  I saw my gyno yesterday to try to get some answers.  I now have to have a  sonohysterography ultrasound done very soon.  He thinks I could have a fibroid tumor or polyp.  No idea.  And if it is one of these lovely things, I'll have to have surgery to remove it and then hopefully go on with my life.  If not, then he says I can go back on the pill, which is not an option it makes me CRAZY, or go on a drug called Lysteda to hopefully ease my periods.  The way I feel about it, if there is no reason he can find for these prolonged periods, I will be going to see an endocrinologist who can hopefully get my hormones in check so that I can stop living this nightmare.  Needless to say, I've felt miserable lately and have been a big bag of hormones and that, on top of everything else, has made me a lazy ass.

I also saw the dentist today because my wisdom teeth are trying to come in and are causing me pain.  So, in the next few weeks I'll be having that taken care of.  And I often wonder why I'm such a bitch.  I guess being in constant pain has taken it's toll on me.  I'm trying to smile between the tears and trying to find the silver lining.  All I know is that SOMETHING has to give.  And soon.  I am so ready to just feel vibrant again.

What's on my horizon:

Looking forward to this weekend.  It's Donna's birthday and we are having a SPA DAY!  That makes me happy.

I will be heading to Ann Arbor with MUSE in March.  It will be my first trip with them and I'm very excited.  I love me some Michigan!

My interview is tomorrow.  I'm really excited about this opportunity and I'm crossing my fingers!

Even in the midst of all these health issues, I've managed to lose about 14 pounds.  It's coming slowly but surely.  I can't wait until I feel better so I can really kick it into gear.  I'd like to have a good 30 to 40 lbs off by the time I leave for Portland in April.


What I'm listening to:  Coldplay Mylo Xyloto.  I'm giving it a listen.  I'm not happy with them right now because of their collaboration with Rihanna but I like the new single.  And no one is perfect.  :)

Kreativ Blogger Award & Tag Game

My dear friend Jen just tagged me/awarded me with this "Kreativ Blogger Award." Therefore, this requires me to

• link back to the person who gave me this award
• complete the form below
• award 10 other blogs (& let them know)
• Share 7 random thoughts about myself. 

Form to Complete:
1. NAME YOUR FAVORITE SONG:
It's a three-way tie between Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen, Tiny Dancer by Elton John and Just Like Heaven by The Cure.  I'm so in love with them all.
 
2. NAME YOUR FAVORITE DESSERT: anything lemon.  Lemon bars, lemon meringue pie, lemon pudding.  I'm obsessed with lemon and so was my dad.  It's one of the very many things we had in common.

3. WHAT TICKS ME OFF: Bigotry.  Religious zealots.  We are all entitled to our opinion, but that's all it is.  And just like ass holes, we all have them.  No one really has the answers for sure.
 
4. WHEN I'M UPSET I: I call my friends and bitch.  I blog.  I cry.
 
5. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PET:
 Cats. Simba to be exact.  He is one handsome baby boy!  But both Bob and Simba are pretty cute!

 

6. BLACK OR WHITE:
I was thinking about this earlier. I am maybe a little too over the top in love with black.  My car is black, most of my clothes are black. I have tons of black purses and shoes.  I just love it.
 
7. BIGGEST FEAR:
Losing my mom or Mason.  I love them more than anyone else in the world.  I also don't like thinking about when Cathy retires.  It already makes me teary eyed and it isn't for a year and a half.  :(

8. EVERYDAY ATTITUDE: Aside from my occasional melt down, I am very content and happy.

9. WHAT IS PERFECTION: my choirs. my church.  my friends.

10. GUILTY PLEASURE:
Everything Kardashian!!!


7 Random Things About Me:
1.  This isn't strange at all to me, but some people think I am crazy for not loving bacon.  I hate it.


2. I recently had lap band surgery.  It's finally starting to work and I'm very excited to see the results.

3. I have been a choir nerd since I was in seventh grade.  The saddest years of my life were when I wasn't singing and I am so blessed to be in two amazing choirs now.  Even if they do take up an exorbitant amount of my time.


4. I lost my dad in August of 2010.  Not a day goes by that I don't miss him.  I wish he were still here but I know he's proud of me and I feel his presence often.


5. I love to travel so much that I moved back in with my mom so I could have the money to do some traveling over the next few years.

6. One thing that makes me very sad is that I am so busy these days, I barely have time to listen to new music.  I love music so much and I want to hear so much more than I have time for!!

7. I love The Killers so much it's unnatural.  Sometimes I even pretend that Brandon Flowers is next to me just to feel better.  LOL

Now, the tagging game....


The Rules:
1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them that you've tagged them.

11 More Things About Me:

1.I have been in the banking industry for over three years.  It is very hard but can be very rewarding.

2. I feel lucky that I have experienced crazy, mad, love.

3. I want to have a baby someday.  A little girl.

4. I miss Tori Amos.  It's been about 4 years since I've seen her live.  Her music was a best friend to me whenever I've needed her so many times.

5. I love cats so much, I'd have a cat house if I could.

6. I want to do more.  I'm hoping that very soon I'll be able to find time to do more volunteer work.  Helping people is the best.

7. I'm very emotional.  I feel everything.  It's good sometimes, but sometimes very annoying. 

8. I love my nephew Mason so much, I can't even imagine how much I'll love my own someday.

9.  My style is very classic.  I don't feel like it's changed too much over the years, but just enough to stay in fashion.  I think I'll get more experimental once I lose weight.

10. I miss Jen and Andy.  Soo much.  Especially how much fun we had in our carefree days.

11. I miss Tim.  Everyday.  I just wish I could share my life with him but I know I can't.

My Answers to Jen's Questions:

1. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

I have no idea.  That is scary and exhilarating at the same time.

2. What do you do for fun?

I LOVE to see live shows.  Either concerts or Broadway.  I'd do it everyday if I could.

3. What was your favorite album in high school?

Pieces of You by Jewel.  I think it was the soundtrack to my entire high school experience.

4. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?

Taco Bell.  YUMMMMMMMY

5. What is the best way to spend a Sunday afternoon?

Brunching with Mel and then hanging with Mason

6. What is the best Christmas present you ever got? 

A guitar from my dad.  He always listened and he always supported my music more than anyone else.

7. What was your favorite cartoon growing up?

Winnie the Pooh

8. If you won a million dollars, what would you buy? 

A house.  I'd get debt free and save the rest.  A million dollars doesn't go very far these days.

9. Where would you like to retire?

Possibly Germany.  I don't really know.  Maybe Greece.

10. If you could be an animal for a day, what would you be? 

Umm a cat.  LOL.  Like that was even a surprise.

11. Would you ever want to have kids? How many?  Yes.  I'd like one.

My questions for you:

1.  Who is the most influential person in your life?

2.  What makes you the happiest?

3.  Who is your favorite band of all time?

4.  What is your sign?  Do you think you fit the description?

5.  How did you meet the person you fell the deepest in love with?

6. What is your favorite book?

7.  Name the place you wish to visit the most.

8.  Where do you think you are most talented?

9.  What is one thing you think you could do to make the world a better place?

10.  Who do you miss?

11.  What is your favorite meal to cook?

Who I'm Tagging:

Melanie, Roni, and of course Jen.  I don't have many followers!!!

Last Woman Standing

I think it's a combination of many,many things that is making me super emo right now.  I am crying as I write this because I want to scream at the top of my lungs FUCK IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!  No matter what I do or how much I try to be a good person, it does not matter.  Aside from my few really really good friends, I am the loneliest person I know.   Maybe that is why I crave community the way I do.  Maybe that is why I need my choirs and I need my church and why I need people by my side all the time.  I think that during those times, I am able to pretend that I'm not really alone. During those times, I can fill the void with just enough human interaction and human touch to get me through until I have a moment like this.

It's plain and simple.  I am almost 30 years old.  I'm fat.  I have terrible credit.  I live in a shithole with my mother.  And I'm alone.  Most days I can pretend that my life is awesome.  But then it all comes down to the fact that I feel like I should be farther than I am now.  I feel like I should have more.  I feel like I deserve more.  I want someone to love me and I think that I deserve that for all the fucking love I've given and not had in return.  I feel like I have tons of qualities men say they are looking for, but really they just want hot tits and ass and very little brains.  I'm sick of being the token "nice, fat girl."  What a great girl to be friends with, right?

And this is exactly why I turn to gay men for everything.  They get me.  They like what I like, they give a fuck or at least pretend.  They will always be my "date" when I never have one for anything, and they're always there to talk and listen.  They make me feel not so alone.  They make me feel like I have a place in the world.  They make me feel pretty and talented which is more than I can say for any straight man I've ever encountered.

I am working hard on the new me.  I won't fail and I promise myself that won't happen.  I am going through some health stuff right now and emotional stuff from having a major operation and I feel as though it doesn't matter.  No one cares.  And if tomorrow I just didn't wake up, who really would?  I know that's drastic, but that is how I feel tonight.  Sick of being the third wheel.  Sick of not being part of the "in" crowd.  Sick of being the last single girl I know.

Oh bother

Today was a challenge.  I didn't falter though, even though I wanted to.  Work was just... awful.

Called the boy.  He is completely uninterested.  And I don't blame him.  But I know I don't need that kind of distraction right now anyway.

I just need some kind of sign that this desolate feeling won't last long.  I have such high hopes for you, 2012!

Day One

Today was my first official day of the healthier me.  I decided that I would cut waaaaaaay back on sugar and try to stick to whole foods only.  I know that with preparation and dedication I can do this.  I'm basically cutting out most carbs, bread, pasta, most rice and grains.  I will miss cereal the most, but this is temporary until I can kickstart my weight loss.  I also know that my body works best when I don't eat simple carbohydrates.  If I don't eat sugar, I don't crave sugar.  Now I will be having white rice on the rare occasion because there's no way I can give up sushi or Indian food.  Oh no way.  Yummmmmm.  My mouth is watering just thinking about it!

I also started back to the gym tonight.  I've been lucky enough that with the holiday madness and eating like a cow that I actually maintained the weight I lost before surgery.  No more loss, but no gain and I'll take that.  I worked out tonight for the first time since before surgery.  It wasn't too bad.  I did 30 minutes on the elliptical machine and 15 minutes on the treadmill.  My back has been bothering me lately or I would have done more.  I need to make it a point to start seeing my chiropractor more.  I feel like overall I did well today.  I ate all whole foods and did work out.  I do crave sugar some right now, but I know that will get better over time.  I get my first fill on Monday and can't wait!!  I'm going to keep tracking my progress so that I can be accountable to not just me and I know that will help.  :)  2012, I am ready!!!

Life...

Wanna know what totally blows?

Finding out you've wanted something all this time.  You had no idea, but now that it's here, that primal longing for it is so intense, it's like it's always been there.

But there's not a chance, my friend.  Not a chance.

Well, hello 2012!!

Ready, set....  GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must say, I don't think I've been this stoked about a new year in a long time.  Yes, I always love the promise of the new year and always hope for the best, but this year is just... different.  Different because I know that this year means big changes and NOTHING is getting in my way.  No resolutions for me.  Only things that I know I WILL accomplish.  Here's what I will do:

I WILL lose my weight.  All of it.
I WILL be more present in my life.  I WILL talk to the people I love more.  Not just facebook them or text them, but actually talk to them.
I WILL get debt free.
I WILL let go of self doubt and negativity.
I WILL work harder at work and make the best of it.
I WILL make better decisions, all around.


Today is my last day of my little mini break.  It's been nice.  It's very hard for me to unwind, but I did manage it.  Today I will be going to the grocery store, organizing crap I don't need in my room, cooking for the next couple days and making sure I am all ready for this new me.  Not to go into too much detail, but I am having some health issues and need to make some DR appointments today, too.  I want to nip this all in the bud as soon as possible!

With all this being said, I am going to post my official "BEFORE" pic.  That way I have something to reference every time I hit a milestone or just feel like I'm getting defeated.  I will be posting more and more too.  I'm going to stop using facebook so much.  Just going to take it off my phone so it doesn't waste so much time.  I want to post more and read more and be present more.  Thank you, lovely followers for your support!!